I live in a self imposed, self designed prison.
Emily Freeman calls it a “prison of self-protection.”
My prison locks the real me away from the rest of the world.
At it’s best I feel safe, but I still know I’m not free.
The key to freedom is admitting that one thing I can’t admit.
That one thing I fear most of all.
I have a lot of irrational fears.
Like spiders. Spiders cause my heart to beat faster.
Last month my daughter did a reading unit on spiders.
I learned a lot of things about spiders that I didn’t know before.
The old adage that “knowledge is power” is not true when it comes to spiders.
The more I learned about spiders the more my fear of them grew.
Knowing that a spiders 8 legs come out of it’s head might seem interesting,
But it left me awake at night. Picturing spiders. Big spiders.
Big enough that I could tell that their legs stemmed out of their heads.
Where their big mouths are. And their weird, scary, black eyes.
Sadly, my biggest fear is not one that is irrational.
My biggest fear is one that is based in fact.
There is truth, real truth, in my fear.
I fear that I am not enough.
I fear I’m not enough because I know I’m not enough.
Not skilled enough, not smart enough, not important enough.
Not quiet enough or loud enough, not pleasing enough.
Not Christian enough, not wife enough, not mom enough.
I wasn’t reason enough for my parents not to get divorced.
My peace-making is not enough that I can call myself a peacemaker.
My writing is not divine enough that I can call myself a writer.
My singing isn’t strong enough that I can call myself a singer.
And so I content myself to hiding behind the mask of being “good” enough.
I try really hard to do all the “good” things, say all the “good” things.
And I stuff away the feelings of “hollow” and “lonely” inside.
“The best part of hiding is being found.”
The first time I read Grace for the Good Girl I knew I had been found.
Really, truly, good and found. Unearthed. Revealed. Opened.
It was scary, scarier than spiders scary.
But it was good too.
God used Emily Freeman’s words to show me
He saw me.
He knew me.
Despite my fear-prison.
And I finally discovered God’s grace.
Being found is huge.
It means someone valued me enough to look for me.
God says I am enough.
Just as I am.
No trying required.
He will always find me.
In Chapter 1 of Grace for the Good Girl Emily writes about the first time the word good is used in the Bible.
And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light. God saw that the light was good, and he separated the light from the darkness.
The light was not good because it tried.
The light was good because God said it was good.
All my trying makes me a “watered-down version of good.”
Only God has the power to make me very good.
And He has. He spoke it in truth in Genesis,
Knowing He would make it true through Jesus.
Just like the light, I had little to do with it.
Whether or not I am enough works the same way.
I can choose to believe the world as it says I am not enough.
Or I can choose to believe God’s Word. I can let Him define enough.
I can live as one who’s been found.
Truth: I am enough. I am important to God. Just as I am.
This post was part of a series for a book study hosted by Emily P Freeman. You can view the thoughts of others in the study by visiting Emily’s blog, Chatting at the Sky.