To the woman he said, “I will make your pains in childbearing very severe; with painful labor you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.” Genesis 3:16
It’s part of God’s curse that my hearts desire is for my husband and that he will misunderstand that as he responds by taking responsibility for me.
Ouch! Talk about conflict! I’ve seen this happen time and time again with my husband. My heart longs for partnership, oneness, and open love, yet his response so often makes me feel like I’m just another one of his responsibilities… Just another check on his to-do list. Now that’s not to say that I don’t have a wonderful marriage, for truly I have been richly blessed in the area of marriage. My husband is fully capable of “sharing his feelings” in moments of great intimacy which are more than enough to satisfy my overly romanticized heart. Still, he rules over me. Most often this fact reveals it’s self in a moment when he is trying to protect me.
For instance, I just recently became aware of the fact that we were in a state of financial crisis a few months ago. My husband and I do our finances together most of the time, but somehow and for some reason he withheld this information from me. When I found out about it I felt betrayed. What happened to our partnership? Doesn’t he trust me? Why won’t he let me help carry our burdens? When these types of situations arise his response almost always is that it’s his job to take care of me and he felt it was necessary to protect me from the stress of the situation. Is there anything less romantic than being someone’s job or responsibility? If there is it’s hard for me to imagine it. Let’s face it, I love my kids, but I definitely feel like they are my responsibility and there’s nothing romantic about that feeling. 😉
We’ve talked about this at length together and I’ve grown to understand that the feeling of responsibility he has for me is not like a job and not like how I feel about the kids. When he describes how he feels responsible for me it ends up feeling like some fabulously romantic line from a John Wayne movie and while the western itself is not romantic, somehow in those little moments when the heroes heart is revealed it is a great romance. My heart melts.
Like I said, I have been richly blessed in the area of marriage. Always, though, there is this feeling in my heart that I desire for my husband but he rules over me. It is to be expected. It is part of the nature of the sin that separates. God knows that as wonderful as my husband may be he can not fulfill my romantic heart. Only God can fill that hole which in His wisdom He created. And He will fill that longing as long as I am seeking Him.
Dear Father in Heaven, praised be your name. You are holy and faithful. Thank you for the husband you gave me and for the tremendous blessing he is to me. Thank you for creating the desire to be loved within me. I pray that you would continue to fill that space of desire in my heart as I seek after you. You are so wise, Lord. Thank you for being concerned enough about me to make me want to seek you. In Jesus name, amen.